During those especially long stretches of time when romantic prospects seem minimal, many single people begin to fixate on the idea of a fantasy person who for all intents and purposes, perfect.
As harmless as fantasy may seem at first, when too much time is spent on this idea alone it can be harmful to a person's actual dating life.
To understand how a fantasy develops into a constant piece of a person's life it is essential to understand why some people may fixate on the idea in the first place. Understand that while almost every person, single or no, allows themselves to indulge in a fantasy life now and then, this is not the same idea as a person who develops an obsessive nature about it. Some common causes of this fixation on a romantic fantasy figure:
* Approaching Terror: When a person finds that despite their desires, simply approaching a person that they find attractive sends them into a spiral of self doubt, it can be very appealing to create a fictitious companion whose approval is already assured.
* Personal Appearance: When a person's appearance is not one that they feel is attractive to others this can easily cause them to withdraw from social settings. When a reminder of this feeling of being outcast is simply a look in the mirror away it is fairly easy to make the jump into a fantasy world where not only is your companion attractive, but so might you be.
* Difficulty Speaking: When a person finds that their tongue becomes dry and the words seem to float away whenever they attempt to speak with an attractive person this can quickly cause them to stop trying to communicate. By shutting down any forms of communication with potential romantic interests not only is the person unlikely to make a connection, but may feel as if the idea is impossible.
* Escape through Dating: Because it can be so difficult to deal with a traumatic experience openly, many people attempt to find ways of shutting out the trauma through intense emotional experiences. Those who might use dating to escape other issues in their life might quickly find that even when in the presence of a real person they continue to assign false attributes to them so that the fantasy can be maintained.
Crossing the Line:
While many more reasons exist for developing a persistent fantasy on one's life it also important to understand when these fantasies may cross the line; from harmless fun to real life destroyers, when does it become harmful to a person's life?
In many ways a fantasy can have the same effect on a person as a drug, it is attractive, time consuming and often a solitary experience. The time spent thinking of a fantasy may even lead to the release of certain chemicals in the brain which can cause a person to feel happy and euphoric. Once this has been achieved the fantasy is now associated with a distinct feeling of joy and will be sought often. While at the early stages of this development it is unlikely that any damage has been done, it is important to monitor how frequently the time is spent away from reality.
Another obvious problem with a fantasy obsession is that because it is such a solitary action it may cause a person to retreat from real life social situations. Conversations with real people may become increasingly difficult because in the waking world conversations are not often scripted by a single individual as in a fantasy.
The inability to relinquish control is usually apart, even if only a small one, of a fantasy obsession. The outside world can become less and less appealing as the desire to maintain control over every part of the desired social interactions becomes more intense. When these kinds of feelings are felt it is often by a person who is suffering deeply and is perhaps living in a constant state of terror.
Perhaps the most common and harmful result of a fantasy obsession is the inability to enter into a successful real life relationship. When a person indulges too often with a fantasy mate they begin to use that fantasy as standard to which all other romantic candidates will compared with. As each new figure fails to the live up to this standard the fantasy is reinforced, while the real world is shoved further and further away.
Solutions:
Though many people have some idea in mind of what kind of person their soulmate or dream lover would be, it is import to use these preset standards as a guideline only. With so many individuals in the world how can anyone expect to fit a mold created by the likes and dislikes of another?
The inability to accept another human being because their personality and appearance do not match that of a fantasy character is where this obsession often becomes truly dangerous. Some individuals become convinces that the image in their mind does in fact exist somewhere and refuse to allow anyone else to get close to them because they feel it is unnecessary to lower their standards.
Refusing to allow the unexpected personality traits of new people into your life because they are not within the parameters set by a fantasy can quickly lead to depression and an intense feelings of loneliness. Understanding that the ideal romantic match reflects a desire only and not a strict guideline to follow can help others not only to meet some very interesting people, but perhaps allow them to grow as well.
While the excitement and pleasure that is felt when submerged in a fantasy life may help to create an ideal for romance and attraction, to achieve success in a real relationship one must be willing to surrender the fantasy and look for the truly amazing traits inside the real people all around them.
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Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Old Ghosts in Your New Relationship
Especially after coming out of a long relationship it can be difficult not to repeat some of the same mistakes with a new partner. In cases where a break-up or divorce became painful or cruel a great deal of unresolved issues maybe left unresolved and can manifest themselves with a new person. Often people are unaware that they are following a pattern unless it is brought to their attention, which can be difficult for your new partner to pinpoint as in most cases they have only witnessed your currently relationship together.
These kinds of unnoticed, but harmful habits can be caused by a variety of incidences in your past. Childhood traumas can force a person to act in a repetitive and destructive manor without their knowledge and in some cases the ex-partner may have brought about this behavior through their actions.
The most important first step is to recognize that you are acting in a certain way and that these actions are harming your current relationship. It is important to let your partner know that you have become aware of this pattern or type of behavior and will now be trying to put an end to it.
Finding out why, the source of your behavior is commonly the next step once you have taken notice of your own actions. In some cases these actions will be triggered by something far in your past, in other cases you may be able to directly link your behavior to your past relationship. While an incident long forgotten may not have taken place during your prior relationship, there is an excellent chance that your ex-partner somehow added to its’ destructive qualities; either by causing you pain in some way or by neglecting to notice this behavior.
Example of past incident forming destructive behavior; exacerbated by ex:
* Elaine’s father has left her and her mother at an early age and Elaine feels abandoned by him.
* As Elaine grows up she becomes interested in boys, but often acts in ways that they find too needy or clingy and become disinterested in her.
* With each rejection Elaine’s fear of abandonment becomes more acute and she continues to act in this undesirable way toward boys and eventually men.
* Elaine may enter into a serious relationship, but finds that her fear of abandonment forces her to act in ways that make her boyfriend feel smothered.
* Eventually, being unable to identify and correct her behavior, Elaine drives her boyfriend away, which once again, adds to her fear of being abandoned and rejected.
* Elaine enters a new relationship and once again begins to become too clingy and desperate; once again Elaine is in danger driving her boyfriend away.
This cycle is very common for both men and women who have lost a parent at an early age, even those who experienced that loss due to a death can still have many of the same feelings. In order to put an end to a pattern like this one a person must be able to recognize that their feelings of desperation are unnecessary; often this is a confidence issue. Once the problem has been recognized a person may begin exploring how it originated and how they begin correcting it. Though this process may not be an easy one, most people find that they are unable to have a happy, healthy relationship while problems such as these continue.
Example of an incident in your prior relationship causing a current pattern of behavior:
* Scott’s girlfriend was unfaithful to him and lied about it. He found out by discovering this secret from a friend.
* When Scott confronted his girlfriend she was unable to explain her motives leaving Scott not only hurt, but confused and questioning whether or not he had done something to make his girlfriend want to hurt him.
* When Scott broke it off with his girlfriend none of his new insecurities had been addressed and he is now subconsciously convinced that his ex’s cheating was a result of his lacking in some way.
* Scott begins a new relationship and at first his confidence receives a boost.
* After a time Scott becomes convinced that his self proclaimed lacking will drive his current girlfriend to cheat as well.
* Scott becomes unreasonably jealous and paranoid, which makes his girlfriend extremely uncomfortable. Scott is now in danger of driving her away.
Another scenario that is common amongst both men and women and a very difficult pattern to break. Though it can be extremely difficult to trust a person when you have been hurt in the past, especially lied to, it is important to start fresh in each new relationship.
Many of the problems that people have in relationships are ones that they continue to bring up time and time again. In some cases people will find themselves at the end of a relationship and be very tempted to blame the failure on their ex, though this is often not the case. It is important to make yourself aware of any shortcomings that you may possess before they force your new relationship into a difficult situation.
Though something that your ex did, or an incident in your past, maybe a terrible thing to overcome, it is important for the success of your currently relationship to take that baggage and let it go. Learn to trust your partner, to understand that this person is not the same person as the one who may have hurt you in the past and that above all, you need to trust yourself. Whatever happened in your past, whatever ghosts continue to remind you of your worst fears: let it go. Allow yourself the happiness that you so deserve by recognizing and eliminating those problems until they cannot haunt you ever again.
These kinds of unnoticed, but harmful habits can be caused by a variety of incidences in your past. Childhood traumas can force a person to act in a repetitive and destructive manor without their knowledge and in some cases the ex-partner may have brought about this behavior through their actions.
The most important first step is to recognize that you are acting in a certain way and that these actions are harming your current relationship. It is important to let your partner know that you have become aware of this pattern or type of behavior and will now be trying to put an end to it.
Finding out why, the source of your behavior is commonly the next step once you have taken notice of your own actions. In some cases these actions will be triggered by something far in your past, in other cases you may be able to directly link your behavior to your past relationship. While an incident long forgotten may not have taken place during your prior relationship, there is an excellent chance that your ex-partner somehow added to its’ destructive qualities; either by causing you pain in some way or by neglecting to notice this behavior.
Example of past incident forming destructive behavior; exacerbated by ex:
* Elaine’s father has left her and her mother at an early age and Elaine feels abandoned by him.
* As Elaine grows up she becomes interested in boys, but often acts in ways that they find too needy or clingy and become disinterested in her.
* With each rejection Elaine’s fear of abandonment becomes more acute and she continues to act in this undesirable way toward boys and eventually men.
* Elaine may enter into a serious relationship, but finds that her fear of abandonment forces her to act in ways that make her boyfriend feel smothered.
* Eventually, being unable to identify and correct her behavior, Elaine drives her boyfriend away, which once again, adds to her fear of being abandoned and rejected.
* Elaine enters a new relationship and once again begins to become too clingy and desperate; once again Elaine is in danger driving her boyfriend away.
This cycle is very common for both men and women who have lost a parent at an early age, even those who experienced that loss due to a death can still have many of the same feelings. In order to put an end to a pattern like this one a person must be able to recognize that their feelings of desperation are unnecessary; often this is a confidence issue. Once the problem has been recognized a person may begin exploring how it originated and how they begin correcting it. Though this process may not be an easy one, most people find that they are unable to have a happy, healthy relationship while problems such as these continue.
Example of an incident in your prior relationship causing a current pattern of behavior:
* Scott’s girlfriend was unfaithful to him and lied about it. He found out by discovering this secret from a friend.
* When Scott confronted his girlfriend she was unable to explain her motives leaving Scott not only hurt, but confused and questioning whether or not he had done something to make his girlfriend want to hurt him.
* When Scott broke it off with his girlfriend none of his new insecurities had been addressed and he is now subconsciously convinced that his ex’s cheating was a result of his lacking in some way.
* Scott begins a new relationship and at first his confidence receives a boost.
* After a time Scott becomes convinced that his self proclaimed lacking will drive his current girlfriend to cheat as well.
* Scott becomes unreasonably jealous and paranoid, which makes his girlfriend extremely uncomfortable. Scott is now in danger of driving her away.
Another scenario that is common amongst both men and women and a very difficult pattern to break. Though it can be extremely difficult to trust a person when you have been hurt in the past, especially lied to, it is important to start fresh in each new relationship.
Many of the problems that people have in relationships are ones that they continue to bring up time and time again. In some cases people will find themselves at the end of a relationship and be very tempted to blame the failure on their ex, though this is often not the case. It is important to make yourself aware of any shortcomings that you may possess before they force your new relationship into a difficult situation.
Though something that your ex did, or an incident in your past, maybe a terrible thing to overcome, it is important for the success of your currently relationship to take that baggage and let it go. Learn to trust your partner, to understand that this person is not the same person as the one who may have hurt you in the past and that above all, you need to trust yourself. Whatever happened in your past, whatever ghosts continue to remind you of your worst fears: let it go. Allow yourself the happiness that you so deserve by recognizing and eliminating those problems until they cannot haunt you ever again.
soulmate chemistry review get your ex boyfriend back free online dating reviews eharmony review online dating match review best online dating perfectmatch review dating advice yahoo personals review dating online date.com review dating reviews online dating safety dating tips friendfinder review dating safety tips passion review dating help lavalife review dating questions flirting online love and lust dating questions online flirting spot a cheater
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Casual Sex and Dating
As with so many things in life, people have a wide variety of views on casual sex in the dating world. The definition of casual can change from person to person and because emotions so often play an enormous part in relationships, one person's idea may even change over time.
Whether you allow your morals, society or perhaps even your spiritual beliefs direct your feelings on the subject of physical intimacy, it is important that you know how you feel about it personally. Once you have reached a comfortable position with the idea it may help you in your dating life by allowing yourself to narrow down potential suitors.
Singles in our society have many more options than those of decades passed. While this freedom allows individuals to make their own choices, it can also make choosing the right ones a bit tricky at times. In many cases American singles find that their views about casual bedroom encounters are influenced by a variety of things; including parents, friends, the media, religion, future plans and physical impulses, to name but a few. With so many different sources clashing together it's easy to understand why a person, especially one who might feel a slight tug at the hormonal level, might find their own point of view a little shaky.
One of the key essentials in finding out exactly how you feel about such important decisions in dating is to separate different emotions or impulses. Love and lust, for example, may often go hand in hand, but are not mutually exclusive to one another.
Another very important point to keep in mind is that this decision is yours to make, no one else's. Though many different people and ideas will have an impact on how you feel, it's important not to allow these influences to push you in a direction that does not feel comfortable for you.
Making a decision about how you feel in regards to casual sex might not be a struggle when you have time to think on your own, but once you find yourself attracted to another person a great deal may change. Those individuals who find themselves lacking in confidence may find that they are too easily pushed in one direction or another, though they may not agree. Spontaneous conversation starters for shy people can be terrifying enough, asking those same individuals to make a split second decision about sex may be too much to bear.
If you feel plagued with uncertainty about your more intimate feelings it may be helpful for your to create a list of pros and cons. Simply mapping out your reasons may help you to understand your feelings clearly. Another useful tool can also be to set some kind of criteria for the person you may be interested in becoming intimate with. Anything from a certain amount of time passing, to gaining the approval of your friends may serve as a buffer if you are worried about your hormones running away with you.
However you choose to view the subject it is vital that express your opinion and show confidence with any potentially romantic interests. Though you may not want to blurt out your sexual preferences during your best pick up lines, it is important that you make your intentions clear when and if the timing is right.
For some this decision about sex will come very early on in life, for others it may be because they are seeking a change. Understanding your choices about sex will be of great help when trying to enforce them. Whether or not others agree with how you feel, such an intimate decision cannot be made by others, though you should always welcome any wisdom those close to you may offer.
Our society has been quick to label those people who choose to follow sexual preferences that appear a little extreme. On one end of the spectrum a person may be called a variety of nasty insults for feelings free enough to enjoy the physical company of many different people; on the other hand a person who chooses only to share such personal experiences when in love may also be bereted with insulting labels. Again, the most important guide you can find when it comes to how you feel about sex is your own feelings. Only you can truly tell which path is the right one for you to follow; and what to do when/if that path should change.
Sharing a physical experience with another person is an act that should bring you joy. While certain safety issues make it necessary for any adult to be cautious about whom they choose to have sex with, the rest of it is up to you. Be happy in your choices and always pay attention your feelings. In the end you may find out a great deal about others and more importantly, about yourself.
Whether you allow your morals, society or perhaps even your spiritual beliefs direct your feelings on the subject of physical intimacy, it is important that you know how you feel about it personally. Once you have reached a comfortable position with the idea it may help you in your dating life by allowing yourself to narrow down potential suitors.
Singles in our society have many more options than those of decades passed. While this freedom allows individuals to make their own choices, it can also make choosing the right ones a bit tricky at times. In many cases American singles find that their views about casual bedroom encounters are influenced by a variety of things; including parents, friends, the media, religion, future plans and physical impulses, to name but a few. With so many different sources clashing together it's easy to understand why a person, especially one who might feel a slight tug at the hormonal level, might find their own point of view a little shaky.
One of the key essentials in finding out exactly how you feel about such important decisions in dating is to separate different emotions or impulses. Love and lust, for example, may often go hand in hand, but are not mutually exclusive to one another.
Another very important point to keep in mind is that this decision is yours to make, no one else's. Though many different people and ideas will have an impact on how you feel, it's important not to allow these influences to push you in a direction that does not feel comfortable for you.
Making a decision about how you feel in regards to casual sex might not be a struggle when you have time to think on your own, but once you find yourself attracted to another person a great deal may change. Those individuals who find themselves lacking in confidence may find that they are too easily pushed in one direction or another, though they may not agree. Spontaneous conversation starters for shy people can be terrifying enough, asking those same individuals to make a split second decision about sex may be too much to bear.
If you feel plagued with uncertainty about your more intimate feelings it may be helpful for your to create a list of pros and cons. Simply mapping out your reasons may help you to understand your feelings clearly. Another useful tool can also be to set some kind of criteria for the person you may be interested in becoming intimate with. Anything from a certain amount of time passing, to gaining the approval of your friends may serve as a buffer if you are worried about your hormones running away with you.
However you choose to view the subject it is vital that express your opinion and show confidence with any potentially romantic interests. Though you may not want to blurt out your sexual preferences during your best pick up lines, it is important that you make your intentions clear when and if the timing is right.
For some this decision about sex will come very early on in life, for others it may be because they are seeking a change. Understanding your choices about sex will be of great help when trying to enforce them. Whether or not others agree with how you feel, such an intimate decision cannot be made by others, though you should always welcome any wisdom those close to you may offer.
Our society has been quick to label those people who choose to follow sexual preferences that appear a little extreme. On one end of the spectrum a person may be called a variety of nasty insults for feelings free enough to enjoy the physical company of many different people; on the other hand a person who chooses only to share such personal experiences when in love may also be bereted with insulting labels. Again, the most important guide you can find when it comes to how you feel about sex is your own feelings. Only you can truly tell which path is the right one for you to follow; and what to do when/if that path should change.
Sharing a physical experience with another person is an act that should bring you joy. While certain safety issues make it necessary for any adult to be cautious about whom they choose to have sex with, the rest of it is up to you. Be happy in your choices and always pay attention your feelings. In the end you may find out a great deal about others and more importantly, about yourself.
soulmate chemistry review get your ex boyfriend back free online dating reviews eharmony review online dating match review best online dating perfectmatch review dating advice yahoo personals review dating online date.com review dating reviews online dating safety dating tipsfriendfinder review dating safety tips passion review dating help lavalife review dating questionsflirting online love and lust dating questions online flirting spot a cheater
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