Dating Advice

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Why are Relationships so hard!?!

Breaking up, divorce or monstrous fights that never seem to end all point (along with many other issues,) toward the fact that relationships are very difficult! Let us review the classic scenario: Two people meet and are swept up in a series of emotional, subconscious and instinctual desires; they believe they can manage any difficulties they encounter because of the intense feeling they share. First the intense physical urges taper off into a more comfortable but sometimes not very exciting routine. Emotional issues, (wanting never to be apart for example,) become less intense and level out. Eventually the glorious spell of new love fades and endurance comes into play, this is when a relationship becomes a very tricky business.

Many people believe they have the hardships of partnering for life completely under control and see no need to put effort in, often those same people are shocked to find that their relationship is either over or in desperate need of some help. Achieving a happy and healthy relationship requires sacrifice and patience an idea that for some is anything but desirable.

Just as in business more effort often yields a better result; keeping this in mind it is critical that if both parties desire to remain together for many years, of a lifetime, that they continue to work on the problems and enjoy the benefits of choosing to be in a relationship.

In this article we will review some of the classic pitfalls, how they often occur and how to avoid them. Even if you believe that your relationship has no problems, taking the time to review and examine can often be a satisfying and insightful look into the quality of your commitment.

Perhaps the first and most important step when one begins the relationship is simply to ask: “Is this what I want?” Too many people feel that they must settle down as they get older or have been swept up in the romantic notions that everyone has a mate waiting for them just beyond the horizon. While it may be true that every person has a perfect partner out there waiting for them that doesn’t necessarily mean that their partner didn’t settle down half way around the world with some idiot simply because they felt that nothing better would come along! Tragic though it might be, often people fear being alone so much that they commit themselves to staying with a person that they know will never make them truly happy. It is true that if a relationship becomes more work and frustration then happiness it may not be the right one, but it’s unreasonable to expect that real effort will not be needed to make a relationship work; know yourself well enough to decide whether or not you are ready before you commit.

The desire to be intimate with a person does not cancel out either of your flaws; if you don’t want to put the effort in don’t express the intention of doing so. Wanting a carefree life for your self is nothing to be ashamed of; many people find that with busy careers and hobbies they simply do not have the time to build a strong relationship with another person. Passion can trick both men and women into thinking that they are ready to commit; while this may work for some many people quickly that a healthy sex life is a great thing for a couple to share, it is a poor fundamental base for a relationship.

Life might be short but it’s never too short for a little precaution. Be mindful of a person who is unsure of their own feelings and simply allows their needs to be wrapped up in yours. When the dominant partner in a relationship is extremely romantic or passionate the submissive partner sometimes goes along with those feelings without stopping to identify what they are comfortable with. The typical result of such behavior is that the submissive partner represses their needs and desires, problems occur that are now so buried in their subconscious that they can hardly be identified let alone expressed and solved and both partners suffer from a lack of resolution.

Once a cheat…yes you got it. A real classic is the couple that gets together behind the back of a third (sometimes fourth,) party; this almost never ends well. Not only is a person who has been unfaithful far more likely to be unfaithful again, but when a relationship is founded on a sense of forbidden secrecy and desire it often becomes too mundane once the truth is exposed and both people are free to be together without restraint. The same problems may occur when people become intimate because of a stressful situation; when the stress is eliminated so is the intense feeling of desire that can often be misconstrued as affection. Truth be told these feelings are often just an escape from the stressful situation, the mind latches onto anything to divert it from dealing with the problem at hand; not true feelings, simply avoidance and certainly not the greatest foundation for a lifetime of commitment.

Be mindful of habits you see as undesirable in your partner before you make a real commitment, never expect that once you make the commitment they will change those habits for you. While still in the “getting to know you” stage you find that some alarm bells go off, discuss those concerns with your potential mate so that together you may find a comfortable middle ground on which you can agree or at the very least, know what they are unable to change so that you can decide whether or not you can live comfortably with their less desirable habits.

Know when to let things go! There are times when a discussion is needed so that a compromise or solution can be found; on the other hand, there are times when it is best to know when the topic at hand is being blown way out of proportion. All people have feelings and emotions which at times are illogical and can lead to the most ridiculous of arguments; knowing when one is responsible for this behavior and when one has legitimate complaint can be crucial in avoiding unnecessary hardships. By the same token, it is important to understand the difference between one’s partner’s overreactions and true problems that need working on.

Change is unavoidable as much for people as the ever growing world around us; growing with one’s partner is an excellent way to keep the relationship strong. Always be in the know about the interests and plans of the person you choose to share your life with and share yours with your partner. Planning for future goals, whether they are practical or just for fun, can be a great way to stay in touch with your partners thoughts. New interests are bound to enter the relationship from time to time, rather than be alarmed by these changes one should learn about them and share the interest; even if one’s partner develops interests that one can find no way to relate to it doesn’t mean that they can’t at least stay informed about how their partner feels about the changes taking place.

The short, short version: (For those who have a date coming in ten minutes.)

Make sure you know whether or not you’re ready to be in ANY relationship before you enter it
Be ready to work because they all need it
Know not just what you’re getting into but who you’re getting into it with
Be sure of a good foundation, sharing the same favorite ice cream is a nice lead, but won’t help you celebrate your 20th anniversary
What you see is what’s going to be sleeping next to you, don’t assume you can change a person once the commitment is made
Fight or flight, know the difference between a real argument and an emotional (though sometimes necessary!) outburst.

Finally: take it one step at a time, relationships aren’t easy and only become worth it if you have truly found a person who you can spend more days being happy with than not. It won’t all be fun and pillow fights, but if you’re ready, take a deep breath and take that brave first step toward happiness. (Did that step include taking your partner’s hand and walking with them? If not please slide your side bar up or press the top page button and repeat.)

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Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Best and Worst Kisses

Throughout millions of romantic stories people have witness the perfect, fairytale kisses that seem to bring out romance regardless of how the rest of the story has played out. Many people tend to overlook a kiss as either a beginning to more physical interaction or an ending to time spent together. It may be of interest to some that a single kiss can have such a lasting effect on a person that it can completely change their feelings towards an individual.

How can a kiss be so important? In our society a kiss represents something that can be even more personal than having sex; the style and manor in which a kiss is carried out indicates a great deal about the person. While some of the signals sent might be interpreted in different ways by different people there are many that are commonly assumed and for that reason can be helpful, or harmful in a romantic encounter.

To begin with a kiss does not start when two people press their lips together; the build up to that moment will often affect greatly how the kiss is perceived. Many different kinds of feelings can be felt just before the moment a kiss takes place; from hearty laughter to a very revealing admission, these kinds of stirrings can change the way a kiss is felt and later remembered. Setting the scene and knowing when the opportune moment comes for that perfect kiss can be difficult. In many cases what is intended is not what takes place and as a result some awkward head bumping or accidental placement can occur. It is important, especially for a first kiss, to go in slow and make sure that the person you are about to kiss seems willing. There are signs that will allow you to gauge whether or not a kiss would be welcome and if you take this moment slowly, you are given the opportunity to change your mind if you become aware of some negative results approaching.

Some of the most opportune settings:

Right after sharing a good laugh
After something meaningful has been revealed
During a romantic movie or situation
After an argument has come to a conclusion
During a highly emotional or passionate moment you share
After sharing or receiving good news
After an exciting, perhaps even dangerous, experience
During a moment when you feel especially connected to the person
When saying goodbye

Once you have decided that the situation is right, the next step is to make sure the kiss is right, not only for the mood, but for the person. There are many different types of kisses that are appropriate for different situations. For example: If choosing to kiss during a romantic moment you may want to, at least begin slowly and gently. An aggressive kiss at the wrong moment may prove to be complete turn-off even when a kiss is welcome. On the other hand, when sharing a moment where both you and your intended are experiencing high adrenaline rushes and a great deal of emotional excitement a more aggressive kiss may prove to be the very thing. Though it may seem difficult when trying to plan for the right kiss, often the moment and interaction create a clear path to the right choice as long as you are careful enough to read the signals that the other person is giving you. For those especially difficult situations when you may not be sure it may prove useful to rely on a few standard types of behavior that indicate a person is ready to be kissed:

Moving closer to you
Touching a part of you that is perhaps not sexual, but intimate
Staring into your eyes
Touching their own lips because they perhaps hoping this will make you notice them
Leans towards you in such a way that it would make them easier to kiss

If after paying very close attention you still feel unsure about how you should proceed you can always ask the person in a clever or especially romantic way. Many women especially find this question both endearing and respectful and it may prove to be the very way to assure that you are heading in the direction with your relationship.

Few things disrupt a wonderful date more than a terrible kiss and those truly horrible ones are well remembered. Not only does a terrible kiss often indicate that any other physical activity might prove to be less than satisfying it also sends a message out of incompatibility. An awkward moment does not necessarily ruin a kiss and can be circumvented with good humor, but this requires a great deal of sensitivity toward the feelings of the other person, in short, you must pay attention to their physical reactions. It can be difficult to prepare for a kissing disaster as each person is unique, but there are a few styles which are commonly regarded as less than desirable:

Too much tongue: Remember that when the time is right your tongue can be a welcome part of the kiss, but there is no prize for attempting to shove it in the other person’s mouth. Some people seem to get too excited during a kiss and in doing so, get far too aggressive with their tongues. This style is often a turn-off and completely ruins any physical attractions that were taking place. You may have heard this referred to as “how does my stomach taste” or “trying to lick my stomach.” In either case, not a very attractive image for most people.
Smashed: People often press against each other when sharing a very passionate kiss; in some cases a person may even hold the neck or face in their hand(s) during the kiss. During these types of kisses it can be easy to become overwhelmed and to forget that you now have the other person’s head trapped between your face and hand. Pushing too hard with either can turn a kiss from passionate to claustrophobic in seconds and may even get a semi aggressive push back from the other person.
Peck: Often during the first kiss people tend to be a little nervous and this can result in a quick movement that has almost no passion or feeling and only achieves the goals of your lips meeting the other person’s. If you feel that uncomfortable kissing the person it may help to wait until a time when you feel more at ease rather than to make a disaster of your first physical encounter. A quick peck on the lips can indicate that you do not desire the person greatly and may even send the impression that you are not physically attracted to them at all. Make sure that if you are getting a negative reaction from this kind of kiss that you follow it with either another kiss that is a little more tender and romantic or some other form of physical contact to reassure the person you are with.
Can’t Breathe: Always remember how ever well the kissing is going to allow the other person the space to breathe. If you plaster yourself to the other person’s face and do not allow for tiny breaks in the kiss where either of you can draw breath this may result in an uncomfortably loud snort or intake of breath through the nose which can seem comical. Though this may not greatly affect your future relationship as in many cases it will be amusing, it can destroy a passionate mood.

Always be sure that you allow yourself to adapt to the other person’s style of kissing so that together you can find a middle ground. Most people agree that throughout their relationships they learned many different ways to kiss and some were liked far more than others by different partners. Be sure to remain aware of your partner’s reactions to any physical move that you make at all times; this kind of attentive behavior will help to make you a better kisser and in doing so, a better lover for the rest of your life.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Communication Breakdown in Relationships and Dating

Few things can destroy any kind of a relationship faster than poor communication skills. Whether you're out on your first date with a new person or in a long-term relationship, it is vital that your ability to express your thoughts and listen to thoughts of your partner be the very best you can manage.

Why is this so important? Because every time you are misunderstood, or misunderstand it has the potential not only to hurt your relationship, but to alter the perception you and the person you are interested in have of one another.

Excellent communication skills are not only hoped for, but expected in most areas of life. Relationships and romance are no exception. Understanding what might be causing your difficulties in communicating with other may be an excellent place to start for those experiencing problems in dating or relationships.

How You Communicate:

Learning better communication skills is an advantage for any person looking for romance ideas. Whether you're hoping to keep your relationships casual and want to know to show those signs of attraction, or you're looking for something more like a soulmate, these skills are important.

*    Origin: There are those who have a difficult time expressing their thoughts. When pushed they may find that they become flustered and when left alone simply forget. In order for another person to know, like and perhaps trust you it is necessary for you to give them the opportunity to know you. Without expressing the thoughts in your mind you allow those you meet little insight into the type of person that you are. While mysterious can sometimes be exciting, eventually most people just find it to be frustrating.

*    Style: The larger your vocabulary, the more words you have to choose from to sculpt the message you hope to communicate. It is important not only to be able to call upon these words when you need them, but to feel comfortable doing so. Finding the rhythm in your speaking patterns that allow others to respond is also an important part of speech. Those who communicate too little are often unclear, while those who drone on and on may lose the focus of the focus of the other person entirely.

*    Expression: Eye contacts and body language are a large part of communication and may be saying more to your dates or partner than you realize. Being unable to maintain eye contact when talking often causes the other person to feel left out of the conversation while certain types of body language may indicate a wide variety of other wrong messages. Recognizing that certain facial expressions communicate certain messages is also vital to conversational skills. When making a joke, for example, if you fail to smile your date might not be aware that you are trying to express humor, which can turn out very badly.

*    Alternative Methods: Those who choose flirting online or text dating may find that their normal communication skills must be slightly altered in order to send he right message. It is important to remember that texting or typing does not display mood, unless emoticons or punctuation are used correctly.

How Other Communicate with You:

The ability to listen to others in such a way that they know you are focused on them is an extremely attractive trait to most people. Few people enjoy being ignored by a person who is supposed to find them attractive, or might possibly be in love with them and if this is the signal you're sending the response may be less than enthusiastic.

*    Physical Responses: When your date or partner is talking with you the ability to show that you're listening through body language and facial expression may truly allow them to feel that you're interested. Be sure to maintain eye contact and give the appropriate smile or frown when the subject calls for it so that your social partner knows that you're paying attention.

*    Verbal Responses: If you get the sense that your ear is needed, but perhaps not your opinion you may be tempted to simply sit back and say nothing at all. This is often not a good way to help a person feel at ease when sharing their thoughts with you. Though adding in too much may not always be welcome under certain circumstances, it is polite to give responses that show you attention is completely focused on the conversation.

*    Opinion: In some cases you may agree emphatically with your date or sweetheart and in others not at all. In any stage of courtship poor manners are often a sign that you are not interested and too disagree in such a way that you appear to be rude or thoughtless will often send this message directly. Also keep in mind that those who are too opinionated when a person is simply letting off some steam are often unwelcome in the conversation. Remember that at times your romantic partner may simply need your support, just as you at times may need theirs.

If all else fails one of the best ways to better understand how you are coming across to those who you hope to, or already have a romantic relationship with it can be helpful to ask someone close to you to help get the root of the problem. Solving any flaws that don't allow your true personality to become known due to mistakes or misunderstanding, may greatly improve your ability to communicate with others and in doing so the romantic life you've been hoping to achieve.person feel at ease when sharing their thoughts with you. Though adding in too much may not always be welcome under certain circumstances, it is polite to give responses that show you attention is completely focused on the conversation.

*    Opinion: In some cases you may agree emphatically with your date or sweetheart and in others not at all. In any stage of courtship poor manners are often a sign that you are not interested and too disagree in such a way that you appear to be rude or thoughtless will often send this message directly. Also keep in mind that those who are too opinionated when a person is simply letting off some steam are often unwelcome in the conversation. Remember that at times your romantic partner may simply need your support, just as you at times may need theirs.

If all else fails one of the best ways to better understand how you are coming across to those who you hope to, or already have a romantic relationship with it can be helpful to ask someone close to you to help get the root of the problem. Solving any flaws that don't allow your true personality to become known due to mistakes or misunderstanding, may greatly improve your ability to communicate with others and in doing so the romantic life you've been hoping to achieve.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

How to Have a Productive Argument

Anyone who has been in a relationship has had their fair share of fights; frustrating and exhausting and too often ending in pointless anger. While you and your partner may always disagree about certain issues it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a reasonable and productive discussion. Following a few simple and easily managed steps maybe able to help your crossing thought patterns and who knows, perhaps even make you feel a little closer.

The Weight of the Problem: Often arguments begin over the most ridiculous topics, even simply misunderstandings; it’s important to remember not to make a big deal out of a small issue. Though discussing how you feel about any issue, big or small, is important, throwing an absolute tantrum of a small problem put far more of a strain on your relationship then is necessary.

The Right Time to Talk: Waiting until a particular habit or action has driven you crazy before mentioning it is often a huge mistake; equally as frustrating can be blurting out every word that pops into your head simply because you feel angry. Though it won’t always be possible to delay your discussing of the problem it is certainly better to take a few moments to calm down so that you can express your thoughts clearly.

Both Sides of the Issue: Especially when feeling frustrated it may be quite difficult to see your partners’ side of the issue, but if possible it can greatly help in your understanding of the situation, especially when the argument is a complete misunderstanding.

Slinging Mud: Though it is wickedly tempting to throw out all sorts of names and accusations, especially if you feel that they will help you to win your side of the argument, in all likelihood you will simply delude your true point and cause your partner more distress. Keep in mind that though it might feel good at the moment, calling your partner names won’t solve the problem and you might just say something you deeply regret later on.

I Feel, you Feel: It might sound a little corny, but how you phrase your sentences can have an enormous effect on the frustration level of the discussion. Rather than stating the he, or she said, or did something that you do not approve of remember to tell them that you feel that they say or do the things to which you are referring. What is the purpose of this phrasing? Simply admitting that you might be mistaken in how you have perceived certain situations can relieve a great deal of tension. When people feel that they are being attacked, even just verbally, most tend to become defensive and angry.

Know when to admit that you are wrong: When in the middle of an argument it can be particularly difficult to admit that you have made a mistake, but the importance of such words can have an incredible impact on your ability to communicate with your partner. In many cases, admitting that you are fallible will help your partner to do the same.

Sorry is Important: You probably already know how important it is to apologies for your mistakes, but knowing how and when can at times be difficult. For example: if you have repeated made the same mistake and continuously have arguments about it, apologizing is a good start but you need to show your partner that you are working on it, rather than just talking about it. A small gift or token of how you feel about your partner can at times be a lovely way to show that you really put some thought into your regret; which in meaning is often more important than the value f the gift. Never apologies dismissively or with an angry tone, it doesn’t mean much of anything to anyone; wait until you are able to say it calmly and directly to your partner. In certain cases explaining your side of the mistake is also a necessary part of the apology, understand why the situation came about will help put your partners’ mind at ease.

Repeats: Most couples who have shared a home together for a significant length of time share routines and as part of those routines they tend to have the same arguments again and again. These repetitive fights can make both people in the relationship feel exhausted and as though their thoughts are not being communicated successfully. When discussing something with your partner that has been an issue in your relationship for some time, try to break the normal routine of fighting; changing your surroundings, how you speak, even offering a drink or snack prior to the discussion can show your partner that you not interested in fighting so much as making progress.

Forgive and Forget: Some issues are too painful to forget and while many people try to overcome these kinds of difficulties for the good of their relationship, time can’t always extinguish so much as diminish painful memories. If you are the partner who is dealing with something painful remember that you agreed to move forward and try to forgive; using this past incident as ammunition in a fight can not only hurt your partner but you as well. If this painful memory simply won’t be dismissed, it might be time to reconsider what you are capable of forgiving. Don’t be too hard on yourself, after all you were the victim and you can’t help how you feel. If you are the partner that made the mistake, remember to have patience with the person you hurt; the issue may come up at the most inconvenient times, but as with most poor decisions the honorable thing is to take your punishment without retaliation toward the victim.

Reassuring Actions: During even the most horrible argument a little reassuring can go a long way; remember that your partner is not the enemy (or certainly shouldn’t be,) and that despite the anger you feel now, you respect and love this person. If the moment is appropriate, saying a few words about how much you care for your partner can deflate a lot of tension between you.

Compromising you Temper: Whether you can keep a cool head, or are quick to heat up, showing your partner that you care enough about them to remain calm and focused when they speak is important. The words you are hearing may compel you to interrupt, shake your head even make strange, frustrated noises; often this implies that you are either not understanding what your partner is saying or you won’t give them the chance to explain. Without listening, your chances of making progress are slim to none; remember to give your partner a chance to tell you how they feel.

Small squabbles, or bellowing battles, you can not only discuss touchy issues with your partner, you can do it without destroying the time you spend together. A little time and patience, learning to listen to and understand your partners’ side will help you progress not only through, but past these difficult periods of your relationship.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Falling in Love with Your Fantasy

During those especially long stretches of time when romantic prospects seem minimal, many single people begin to fixate on the idea of a fantasy person who for all intents and purposes, perfect.

As harmless as fantasy may seem at first, when too much time is spent on this idea alone it can be harmful to a person's actual dating life.

To understand how a fantasy develops into a constant piece of a person's life it is essential to understand why some people may fixate on the idea in the first place. Understand that while almost every person, single or no, allows themselves to indulge in a fantasy life now and then, this is not the same idea as a person who develops an obsessive nature about it. Some common causes of this fixation on a romantic fantasy figure:

* Approaching Terror: When a person finds that despite their desires, simply approaching a person that they find attractive sends them into a spiral of self doubt, it can be very appealing to create a fictitious companion whose approval is already assured.

* Personal Appearance: When a person's appearance is not one that they feel is attractive to others this can easily cause them to withdraw from social settings. When a reminder of this feeling of being outcast is simply a look in the mirror away it is fairly easy to make the jump into a fantasy world where not only is your companion attractive, but so might you be.

* Difficulty Speaking: When a person finds that their tongue becomes dry and the words seem to float away whenever they attempt to speak with an attractive person this can quickly cause them to stop trying to communicate. By shutting down any forms of communication with potential romantic interests not only is the person unlikely to make a connection, but may feel as if the idea is impossible.

* Escape through Dating: Because it can be so difficult to deal with a traumatic experience openly, many people attempt to find ways of shutting out the trauma through intense emotional experiences. Those who might use dating to escape other issues in their life might quickly find that even when in the presence of a real person they continue to assign false attributes to them so that the fantasy can be maintained.

Crossing the Line:

While many more reasons exist for developing a persistent fantasy on one's life it also important to understand when these fantasies may cross the line; from harmless fun to real life destroyers, when does it become harmful to a person's life?

In many ways a fantasy can have the same effect on a person as a drug, it is attractive, time consuming and often a solitary experience. The time spent thinking of a fantasy may even lead to the release of certain chemicals in the brain which can cause a person to feel happy and euphoric. Once this has been achieved the fantasy is now associated with a distinct feeling of joy and will be sought often. While at the early stages of this development it is unlikely that any damage has been done, it is important to monitor how frequently the time is spent away from reality.

Another obvious problem with a fantasy obsession is that because it is such a solitary action it may cause a person to retreat from real life social situations. Conversations with real people may become increasingly difficult because in the waking world conversations are not often scripted by a single individual as in a fantasy.

The inability to relinquish control is usually apart, even if only a small one, of a fantasy obsession. The outside world can become less and less appealing as the desire to maintain control over every part of the desired social interactions becomes more intense. When these kinds of feelings are felt it is often by a person who is suffering deeply and is perhaps living in a constant state of terror.

Perhaps the most common and harmful result of a fantasy obsession is the inability to enter into a successful real life relationship. When a person indulges too often with a fantasy mate they begin to use that fantasy as standard to which all other romantic candidates will compared with. As each new figure fails to the live up to this standard the fantasy is reinforced, while the real world is shoved further and further away.

Solutions:

Though many people have some idea in mind of what kind of person their soulmate or dream lover would be, it is import to use these preset standards as a guideline only. With so many individuals in the world how can anyone expect to fit a mold created by the likes and dislikes of another?

The inability to accept another human being because their personality and appearance do not match that of a fantasy character is where this obsession often becomes truly dangerous. Some individuals become convinces that the image in their mind does in fact exist somewhere and refuse to allow anyone else to get close to them because they feel it is unnecessary to lower their standards.

Refusing to allow the unexpected personality traits of new people into your life because they are not within the parameters set by a fantasy can quickly lead to depression and an intense feelings of loneliness. Understanding that the ideal romantic match reflects a desire only and not a strict guideline to follow can help others not only to meet some very interesting people, but perhaps allow them to grow as well.

While the excitement and pleasure that is felt when submerged in a fantasy life may help to create an ideal for romance and attraction, to achieve success in a real relationship one must be willing to surrender the fantasy and look for the truly amazing traits inside the real people all around them.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Old Ghosts in Your New Relationship

Especially after coming out of a long relationship it can be difficult not to repeat some of the same mistakes with a new partner. In cases where a break-up or divorce became painful or cruel a great deal of unresolved issues maybe left unresolved and can manifest themselves with a new person. Often people are unaware that they are following a pattern unless it is brought to their attention, which can be difficult for your new partner to pinpoint as in most cases they have only witnessed your currently relationship together.

These kinds of unnoticed, but harmful habits can be caused by a variety of incidences in your past. Childhood traumas can force a person to act in a repetitive and destructive manor without their knowledge and in some cases the ex-partner may have brought about this behavior through their actions.

The most important first step is to recognize that you are acting in a certain way and that these actions are harming your current relationship. It is important to let your partner know that you have become aware of this pattern or type of behavior and will now be trying to put an end to it.

Finding out why, the source of your behavior is commonly the next step once you have taken notice of your own actions. In some cases these actions will be triggered by something far in your past, in other cases you may be able to directly link your behavior to your past relationship. While an incident long forgotten may not have taken place during your prior relationship, there is an excellent chance that your ex-partner somehow added to its’ destructive qualities; either by causing you pain in some way or by neglecting to notice this behavior.
Example of past incident forming destructive behavior; exacerbated by ex:

* Elaine’s father has left her and her mother at an early age and Elaine feels abandoned by him.

* As Elaine grows up she becomes interested in boys, but often acts in ways that they find too needy or clingy and become disinterested in her.

* With each rejection Elaine’s fear of abandonment becomes more acute and she continues to act in this undesirable way toward boys and eventually men.

* Elaine may enter into a serious relationship, but finds that her fear of abandonment forces her to act in ways that make her boyfriend feel smothered.

* Eventually, being unable to identify and correct her behavior, Elaine drives her boyfriend away, which once again, adds to her fear of being abandoned and rejected.

* Elaine enters a new relationship and once again begins to become too clingy and desperate; once again Elaine is in danger driving her boyfriend away.

This cycle is very common for both men and women who have lost a parent at an early age, even those who experienced that loss due to a death can still have many of the same feelings. In order to put an end to a pattern like this one a person must be able to recognize that their feelings of desperation are unnecessary; often this is a confidence issue. Once the problem has been recognized a person may begin exploring how it originated and how they begin correcting it. Though this process may not be an easy one, most people find that they are unable to have a happy, healthy relationship while problems such as these continue.

Example of an incident in your prior relationship causing a current pattern of behavior:

* Scott’s girlfriend was unfaithful to him and lied about it. He found out by discovering this secret from a friend.

* When Scott confronted his girlfriend she was unable to explain her motives leaving Scott not only hurt, but confused and questioning whether or not he had done something to make his girlfriend want to hurt him.

* When Scott broke it off with his girlfriend none of his new insecurities had been addressed and he is now subconsciously convinced that his ex’s cheating was a result of his lacking in some way.

* Scott begins a new relationship and at first his confidence receives a boost.

* After a time Scott becomes convinced that his self proclaimed lacking will drive his current girlfriend to cheat as well.

* Scott becomes unreasonably jealous and paranoid, which makes his girlfriend extremely uncomfortable. Scott is now in danger of driving her away.

Another scenario that is common amongst both men and women and a very difficult pattern to break. Though it can be extremely difficult to trust a person when you have been hurt in the past, especially lied to, it is important to start fresh in each new relationship.

Many of the problems that people have in relationships are ones that they continue to bring up time and time again. In some cases people will find themselves at the end of a relationship and be very tempted to blame the failure on their ex, though this is often not the case. It is important to make yourself aware of any shortcomings that you may possess before they force your new relationship into a difficult situation.

Though something that your ex did, or an incident in your past, maybe a terrible thing to overcome, it is important for the success of your currently relationship to take that baggage and let it go. Learn to trust your partner, to understand that this person is not the same person as the one who may have hurt you in the past and that above all, you need to trust yourself. Whatever happened in your past, whatever ghosts continue to remind you of your worst fears: let it go. Allow yourself the happiness that you so deserve by recognizing and eliminating those problems until they cannot haunt you ever again.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Casual Sex and Dating

As with so many things in life, people have a wide variety of views on casual sex in the dating world. The definition of casual can change from person to person and because emotions so often play an enormous part in relationships, one person's idea may even change over time.

Whether you allow your morals, society or perhaps even your spiritual beliefs direct your feelings on the subject of physical intimacy, it is important that you know how you feel about it personally. Once you have reached a comfortable position with the idea it may help you in your dating life by allowing yourself to narrow down potential suitors.

Singles in our society have many more options than those of decades passed. While this freedom allows individuals to make their own choices, it can also make choosing the right ones a bit tricky at times. In many cases American singles find that their views about casual bedroom encounters are influenced by a variety of things; including parents, friends, the media, religion, future plans and physical impulses, to name but a few. With so many different sources clashing together it's easy to understand why a person, especially one who might feel a slight tug at the hormonal level, might find their own point of view a little shaky.

One of the key essentials in finding out exactly how you feel about such important decisions in dating is to separate different emotions or impulses. Love and lust, for example, may often go hand in hand, but are not mutually exclusive to one another.

Another very important point to keep in mind is that this decision is yours to make, no one else's. Though many different people and ideas will have an impact on how you feel, it's important not to allow these influences to push you in a direction that does not feel comfortable for you.

Making a decision about how you feel in regards to casual sex might not be a struggle when you have time to think on your own, but once you find yourself attracted to another person a great deal may change. Those individuals who find themselves lacking in confidence may find that they are too easily pushed in one direction or another, though they may not agree. Spontaneous conversation starters for shy people can be terrifying enough, asking those same individuals to make a split second decision about sex may be too much to bear.

If you feel plagued with uncertainty about your more intimate feelings it may be helpful for your to create a list of pros and cons. Simply mapping out your reasons may help you to understand your feelings clearly. Another useful tool can also be to set some kind of criteria for the person you may be interested in becoming intimate with. Anything from a certain amount of time passing, to gaining the approval of your friends may serve as a buffer if you are worried about your hormones running away with you.

However you choose to view the subject it is vital that express your opinion and show confidence with any potentially romantic interests. Though you may not want to blurt out your sexual preferences during your best pick up lines, it is important that you make your intentions clear when and if the timing is right.

For some this decision about sex will come very early on in life, for others it may be because they are seeking a change. Understanding your choices about sex will be of great help when trying to enforce them. Whether or not others agree with how you feel, such an intimate decision cannot be made by others, though you should always welcome any wisdom those close to you may offer.

Our society has been quick to label those people who choose to follow sexual preferences that appear a little extreme. On one end of the spectrum a person may be called a variety of nasty insults for feelings free enough to enjoy the physical company of many different people; on the other hand a person who chooses only to share such personal experiences when in love may also be bereted with insulting labels. Again, the most important guide you can find when it comes to how you feel about sex is your own feelings. Only you can truly tell which path is the right one for you to follow; and what to do when/if that path should change.

Sharing a physical experience with another person is an act that should bring you joy. While certain safety issues make it necessary for any adult to be cautious about whom they choose to have sex with, the rest of it is up to you. Be happy in your choices and always pay attention your feelings. In the end you may find out a great deal about others and more importantly, about yourself.